Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Busy busy....but it must be what God wants...

I have really been busy lately.   Whew.  You always think once you are done being busy with one thing (like, work for me) that suddenly you will have all this "free time".  It's just not happening though.

I kept busy all weekend with things, including some work on my list of projects (which I really need to post pictures of, sorry), and work is just crazy busy again.  On the way home tonight I was like, why am I so busy?  What is causing this?  Is it me and my sudden loss of planning capabilities? 

And the answer just came to me -- God is helping me with my worries. 

...anyone who truly knows me knows I am a worry-wart.  I have accepted it as part of me, and I have worked on it for some time.  But, no matter how good I am at dealing with it, it's there.  Chris likes to call me the "worst-case scenario girl".  It's true.   Naturally, being pregnant tends to make this worse for me, as I am now worrying about another little life. 

So, I have been praying most mornings that God would help me throughout the day.  Some mornings start out harder than others, and today did not start out well.  I didn't sleep much, had nightmares (pregnancy causes such vivid dreams)...Nathan woke up crying about his bunny...etc... 

I wanted to pout this morning about it, but there wasn't time. 

I wanted to whine to Chris about the state of my desk this morning when I got into work (can we say FILES EVERYWHERE with little sticky notes saying "need this ASAP"?)...but there wasn't time. 

I wanted to go over to a friends desk and talk about how this job stinks, but there wasn't time...

I wanted to tell off the other pregnant girls in the office because they were whining about trivial things, but there wasn't time....

I wanted to google a random worry I had about the baby...but there wasn't time...

I am glad there wasn't time.  God knows what He is doing, even when it wears us out. 

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Man, this new vehicle is big!

Yes, it's true...we went to test drive vehicles today...and I drove the Acadia, and I loved it.  I cannot believe I really enjoyed a GMC that much, but I did...so I drove it off the lot and took it home! 

It has a lot of features that I wouldn't have gotten if it wasn't already in vehicle...like, a DVD player.  I seriously didn't think I would ever purchase a car with one because why bother, you know?  But it was included.  And two sunroofs?  What the heck is the point of that?  And the rear-assist camera?  Which, actually, I have discovered, backing this thing up does make it impossible to see ....but now I can see everything!  It was unexpected and exhilarating, time-consuming and painful to write-out that check, but I am very happy when I think about it sitting below me now in my garage. 

Chris is going to soon sell his Subaru...I know he loves that car, so I love him more for giving it up so we have something bigger for our growing family.  Not once has he complained about doing so...he dyed an Easter Egg that said "bye bye Subaru" on it a few weeks ago.  And he keeps telling me the new car is mine, but the "old" car we are keeping was also "mine" too, so I feel kind of like we have two cars of mine, and none of his, which makes me a little sad for him. 

We got black, since the car really didn't come in any colors (and I am finding cars these days really don't, not like they used to) and that was the sharpest looking.  It has been baptised by my parent's orange gravel driveway already, and it made me smile that the first dirt on it was from there.

I put Nathan in it and told him it was our new car, and he said he "wanted out". Grandpa then asked Nathan if he could have it, and Nathan was happy to give it away and said a resounding "YES." 

Maybe I will post pictures tomorrow.  :-)

Friday, April 23, 2010

I have no idea why people call this age "terrible twos"....

because I love it. 

My boys resting during the week befofe dinner....

Okay, so, my car (mostly the inside) has been a pig sty!  I told Nathan we were going to clean it out today.  I gave him a bucket and a brush and told him to get to work on the floor mats!


Hmm...he said he was all done, but these don't look very washed to me....

Oh, apparently he moved onto the tires.  He told me they were "all dirty"....

What's this?  Did Mommy finally just give in and splurge?

Nathan was so excited!  He kept saying "my bike!  my bike!"

He could barely wait to get on the thing....


Trying it out as soon as he had a chance!

First attempt!  Mommy is telling him to push with his feet! 

Kind of getting it....

Had to stop to ring the bell (this is why I bought this one...the bell!)

Of course Christopher had to try it out...he even got dressed in his biking gear!

One of the joys of life...eating brownies straight out of the pan...


Monday, April 19, 2010

Bragging rights....

I have been around a lot of parents with kids my age.  A LOT.  and I would say most of them (especially the ones I really don't know), brag about their kids in a very annoying fashion.  "my baby was walking at 6 months...my baby could say 50 words by three months old...the nurse said my baby had the best sucking reflex...so and so was potty trained at 18 months..."  etc. etc. 

I know all parents are proud of their kids, I am totally proud of Nathan!  I mean, have you seen his face? The kid is frickin' adorable!  But I have tried, especially around parents who ask me questions, to not make them feel like other parents have made me feel. 

But not today!  Today I feel like braggin' up my kid.  I was reading the milestone chart last night for his age, and he can more than do everything on that list...even all of the advanced stuff, like "knows one color"...ummm..Nathan knows ALL COLORS!!!  And knows letters?  Nathan knows them all...sure, he gets "P" and "B" mixed up...but they sound pretty much the same.  He uses multiple word sentences, and uses words I didn't think he would grasp for years...like, "Momma, let's do this next..."    He walks up and down stairs one foot at time holding 5 things...let's face it, my kid is amazing!!!

Okay.  I am done now.  Just had to get that out of my system for once.

:-)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Remembering....

When Nathan was born my dad was recovering from back surgery, and my whole family was preoccupied with him -- including myself.  Exactly one week before I was in the hospital giving birth, I sat with my mom in the surgery waiting area for two hours praying for the best. 

I was sad that my dad couldn't come see Nathan and I in the hospital, and also sad that my family came in shifts so someone could always stay home with Dad.  I didn't get the flowers or cards or congratulations or attention that I not afraid to admit I really wanted (and like so many others I saw before me), but I understood. 

And Nathan, Nathan when I got him home, I had no idea how it would be...a few days with him constantly crying and not nursing had me at my wits end, and I am not sure who cried more during those times, him, or me.  At least his cries were tearless...I remember soaking his little face with my tears.  I remember the guilt as I gave him bottles with pumped milk or formula, and feeling like a complete failure.   

I finally decided to check my temperature one night, as I was having horrible chills.  It was high, like 100+, so I took some tylenol.  The next day I rested, and people were helping me, and I felt better.  I think it was Halloween so I went over to my mom's for a bit.  She asked why I was holding my side, and I told her I didn't know, but I guess that it hurt...the next day my temperature got worse, and my side started hurting even more.  At about 7PM that night I told Chris he needed to take me to the emergency room, because something was wrong. 

We didn't get home unil 4AM...I obviously wasn't a rush job....they checked everything, and ruled all major things out, and assumed it was a bladder or kidney infection and put me on antibiotics.  I came home exhausted but had a 10AM doctor's appointment for Nathan that morning.  I remember he had gained almost a pound from his weight when we brought him home.  Finally, at least I knew I was doing something right. 

I remember the next three weeks were very hard, when Chris went back to work I bawled.  I longed to go to work and get out of the house.  To talk to people.  To be free of the crying.  When he got home or when his mom came over, I would go upstairs for an hour or two and just rest.  I had a hard time "sleeping when the baby sleeps"...if you are not a good napper, this adjustment is beyond difficult.   I just couldn't do it. 

I remember calling my mom and asking her how much babies should cry?  Shouldn't they stop every now and then and just be awake?   She said something like"certainly" and proceeded to tell me how all of us were such good, perfect, easy babies.... and suddenly I felt like I was doing something wrong again...why was he always crying?  I tried to ask people with babies for advice, but most of them made me feel horrible.  Some were snotty, some were rude, some were just like, babies cry, get used to it...

At about four weeks, I remember I suddenly figured everything out.  Nathan cried because he was hungry, he needed more food.  I started giving him more.  He stopped crying. To this day, I still feel stupid I didn't figure this out sooner.  I also stopped pumping, and started to become my old self.  The endless pumping/feeding/washing/sleeping cycle had just become feeding and sleeping and was so much easier to deal with. 

One of the other things I remember clearly is that I was searching the internet to try to understand why I didn't fall "desparately in love" with Nathan right away.  Everyone told me, as soon as you give birth, you are just immediately there, completely, fully, and it's like nothing you ever imagined.  Not me.  I was worried something was wrong with me.  But, I found that this happens to many women, and it can take awhile...That was me.  One day, I just realized that I would do anything for him.  Anything. 

Today I thought that maybe I should start to dig out the newborn clothes...and I started to dream about the next little one...

  

I will sail my vessel...

till the river runs dry...
like a bird upon the wind,
these waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination, if I never try...

I bounce back and forth between peace and uneasiness, happiness and sadness with this pregnancy.  (I don't know if anyone else feels like this, if they do, they don't seem to talk about it.)  The uncertainty brings me stress (will the baby be healthy?  will everything go as well as before?) and I wonder if I made the right choice..our family seems so perfect right now...but then I was listening to some music, and this song came on, and it was comforting...

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...


I guess you never know how things will turn out...today's theme, as seems to be my theme everyday of this pregnancy is, "Trust me."  That's what I hear from God, over and over again.  "Trust me."  And I think it's because God knows I suck at it.  seriously.  I do.  How many times do I focus on the negative?  How many times do I plan for the worst-case scenario?  How many times do I google things over and over again? 

I wonder why it's such an easy thing to say "trust me", but such an incredibly hard thing to do....

Friday, April 16, 2010

A balloony cleany day...

So, I am finally home!  Not working!  And things are dirty.  Christopher has been cleaning  A LOT, but let's face it, men do not see the things women do.  For instance, this morning I noticed Nathan colored all over his dresser.  I said, "Nathan, did you do this?"  He immediately said, "No, Dada did that."  I said, "I am pretty sure you did it Nathan." And then in a questioning tone he said, "Me do it?" 

But he is really enjoying the balloons I brought home for him from the party last night:




I also made my bed for the first time in weeks.  Nathan loves helping..."I help Mommy, I help."  So, can you tell which side he did?  Not bad for a two-year old! 



As I haven't been home in weeks, I have to admit, I pretty much haven't done any cooking.  Christopher has been doing all of that, with the exception of a few things on the weekend, but we mostly have been grilling.  So, I want to make something good tonight for dinner...something I can make ahead. 

So, yes, the kitchen floor is have cleaned (thank goodness! It felt like a sandpit!), and I have cleaned off the counters and scrubbed them, and I started wiping down the return vents (full of dust) and the fans which we have started to turn on and all of these little things that have not been cleaned forever!

Maybe later today while Nathan naps I will plant my Lilies.  Although, with it being a warm spring, I don't know if they will make it...they like it cool, and wet.  I am planting them in a shady, woody area on my hill, but I really want them to eventually just cover the whole thing.  We will see how far I get this  year...last year I got some from a friend but I transplanted them early June, and they didn't do very well.  Only a few survived...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Feeling old...

Today was the completion of my 10th tax season....as I sat at the happy hour, drinking my Coca-Cola, I looked around me and felt very, very old.  I am only 31...that's not old!  But....

I do not know the "cool" songs anymore (who is this Lady GaGa anyways?...)

I do not even know half of the young staff...the people who have been there a year or two...I am like, these people work here?  Are they serious?  They look like they should be in high school!

I looked around at the clothes the younger girls were wearing...and I wondered, did I ever look that cute?  How do they wear those belts so perfectly...are those cute shoes actually worth the pain? 

I remembered how for years I would shop and buy a "new outfit" for April 15th...maybe I once was like that... 

I remember how I used to go the bar with co-workers before the "official"  happy hour...we had to start early!

There are still many people my age, or older, who did that today.  Even if I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't have any desire to...I find it boring to sit around with people I have seen everyday for the past 4 months and talk about...the past 4 months? 

It was much more fun to come home and give Nathan three ballons from the party and watch him get all excited! 

Does that mean I am old?  I dunno.  It might.  :-)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Questions

Lately most of the thoughts in my head are questions...these are just a few....

why do all the spiders come out at once?  ick! 

why do people think I know everything about taxes?

 when will Nathan want to try the potty again?

why do the people who whine about taxes make political contributions to people who increase them? 

is my Honeylocust dead?  why isn't it budding out? 

when will I see my friends in Chicago?  It's been forever...

how bad will healthcare get now?  Is there anyway to undo what we did?

what should I make for dinner?  for lunch tomorrow?   

why doesn't this broccoli taste good? 

was I supposed to do something with my rose bushes last fall?

why does everyone assume I am sad about having another boy? (I'm not, by the way.)   

should I move Nathan to the next bedroom or put the new baby in there? 

when will I find some new shoes? 

what am I going to do about my doctor? 

do the cats have food? 

are Nathan's shoes dry?  I had better go check on this one right now.  Or he won't have shoes tomorrow. 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Not much time...

for some reason, this week is busier than in past years.  at least, I feel like it is.  I am reacting poorly to rude clients, whom I usually just blow off.  It's been a long short week...does that make sense?  I can't believe its already Thursday evening...yet, all I have done is work work work. 

Daddy and Nathan called me at work tonight around 6:45...they were outside playing and walking around the neighborhood.   I got sad.  I know those times, those quiet, insignifcant nothing but family times, are the best times. 

On other news: It's a boy!  The ultrasound went well.  I had to go to the outpatient center at North Memorial, because that is the only place now my doctor's office can do deliveries.  I am hesitant.  After my regular appointment on Friday and my doctor not listening to me, and then finding out we cannot deliver at Unity in Fridley down the road...I have been thinking about switching doctors.   If I loved my doctor obviously I wouldn't question it.  I don't know what I am going to do yet.  I haven't had time to think it all through. 

The ultrasound though brought forth a lot of feelings I haven't really had time to think about either.  I guess I have saved them for later.  As all expecting Mom's know, it makes it even more real...like, you could just touch your stomach and hold your baby, and you can picture that face, those ears, the toes, the hands....I have such a cute picture of baby's little fingers...now when I feel a kick or a movement...I wonder what he is doing! 

We have no idea on another boy name.  I have one name I like, but Christopher doesn't.  So, if he doens't like it, it's not something I want.  I know it will come to me.  I just have to be patient.