Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Every Christmas (since I can remember) I have experienced a kind of sadness that I never could explain.  It comes at the quiet moments - when the snow is falling, when the hum of the furnace is slowing lulling me to sleep, when I curl up next to one of my boys or kitties... I have this horrible feeling that I just want to go home.  That even though I am home, and warm and safe, that something is seriously missing, and I don't know what it is.   

And everytime I go home, I feel disappointed.  It isn't that going home disappoints me, but rather, that this deep down feeling of longing for something won't go away.  A friend gave me a book - after Christmas I read it - and was amazed that it explained it.  I am longing for Jesus....for my true home....for a place without death and disease and life's crud.  I long for that feeling I had when I was little - that everything is safe, pure, perfect - something you only taste once when you are young, ignorant of the world and it's evils.

Oh the world, so filled of, as that book reminded me, of people like me.  Of people who are flawed, of a system that is flawed, of a place we weren't meant to be, where sad things happen.   

I know what a loss of a pet feels like, I have experienced it, and it is awful.  There are so many people that will look at you and say something like, "it is just a dog."  or, "it's just a cat."  they don't get it.  and that's okay.  i am not here to explain it to them. 

 Our family lost a dog this week - he wasn't my dog, and I wasn't close to him.  But others in my family were.  And the dog was not old.  And it was unexpected.  And random.  And that makes it all worse.  It was one of those things...you know, when people say "it is one of those things"... and you are expected to nod your head in agreement and take it with a grain of salt but secretly inside you just want to scream at the top of your lungs that life really sucks sometimes, and its not fair, and why the heck are we stuck here in this hole where things like this could happen?!

Gus (puppy) with Kaiser
 Kaiser got into something...and after we found out he passed, we had to take all the kids into the doctor to be checked out.  My heart dropped when Chris got home from the vet that day only to be told to get the kids ready because they had an appointment waiting at our clinic...because there was some risk.  The vet (my brother) had even called the State Dept. of Health and poison control to see what they recommended, including calling Nathan's doctor/clinic to see what they recommended.  Ultimate decision was to go in. 

It all turned out okay...found out the incubation period was 24 hours, which had already passed, and that if humans got it (which, no one really knew exactly what 'it' was), it usually was self-limiting.  They talked to us about what to watch out for in the next 24 hours, and to go home.  But, for a few moments that day every single thought it my head was pushed out by a primal urge to grab my kids and do everything I could possibly do to protect them and save them. 

So is life I guess.  Until we get home.  Our real home.  Even though there are some beautiful, wonderful things here, it wasn't meant to be like this.  But, you  have to take it, and move on, keep going, until you get there.

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