i wish i more time to write posts. so much has been happening.
Nathan started swimming lessons. he is doing awesome...doing "monkey-airplane-soldier", listening to the teacher, and even getting those ears in the water (occasionally). I can already see how athletic he is going to be. Mommy is getting left in the dust...
I did 5K in about 40 minutes. After I went to the dentist. Last Wednesday. i was happy and disappointed all at once. typical.
Evan is crawling around town. He is getting into trouble. This is what I asked for, and I got it. The other night he got to my computer. unsupervised. by the time Mommy found him, he had deleted my "client folders"...my most important folders!!! I almost cried until I found them.
work is literally sucking the life out of me. i work more hours than my peers, and i am on a reduced schedule. i get paid 20% less and am working more. i am getting discouraged, distraught, and honestly, sick. i have trouble eating because i am so ill throughout the day with everything i have to deal with. it's impossible to understand what i do until you do what i do. i think they need to have a show about being a CPA for a day or something. people in unions would never complain again. about anything. ever.
no wonder there is a support group of CPA's who are alcoholics. serious. this has been the worst year ever, and i am considering making it my last. i don't care who knows this anymore. i am tired.
and i know this is transitory. and pointless in the grand scheme of things. and Monday was hard. so hard. i watched my mom's face as the doctor told her Dad's cancer was aggressive. something that Dad knew and didn't tell us. and i wanted to throw up...cry...scream...anything!!!...but I didn't. I held it in, and drove her to McDonald's, and made her eat a fish sandwich, because she needed food.
and then i held my dad's hand as he was waking up from anesthesia. and i haven't held my dad's hand in years. and it scared me. i wanted to let go. i love my dad, but holding his hand made me feel like he wouldn't be around much longer, and i didn't like that feeling.
so i came home. and hugged nathan and evan with all the power in my being so that they could know that Mommy loves them so much no matter what happens.
and I confided my deepest secrets, worries, thoughts and prayers to my husband, and then fell asleep, feeling sick and tired.
and today i came home, feeling wiped out once again, and i went tanning. just to spend 10 minutes pretending to lay in the bright sun with the wind blowing and the pure silence seemed like such bliss to me!
it was. i loved it. never before have i appreciated tanning so much. it is going to happen much more i think.