Thursday, April 7, 2011

Yup.

i wish i more time to write posts.  so much has been happening.

Nathan started swimming lessons.  he is doing awesome...doing "monkey-airplane-soldier", listening to the teacher, and even getting those ears in the water (occasionally).  I can already see how athletic he is going to be.  Mommy is getting left in the dust...

I did 5K in about 40 minutes.  After I went to the dentist.  Last Wednesday.  i was happy and disappointed all at once.  typical.

Evan is crawling around town.  He is getting into trouble.  This is what I asked for, and I got it.  The other night he got to my computer.  unsupervised.  by the time Mommy found him, he had deleted my "client folders"...my most important folders!!!  I almost cried until I found them. 

work is literally sucking the life out of me.  i work more hours than my peers, and i am on a reduced schedule.  i get paid 20% less and am working more.  i am getting discouraged, distraught, and honestly, sick.  i have trouble eating because i am so ill throughout the day with everything i have to deal with.  it's impossible to understand what i do until you do what i do.  i think they need to have a show about being a CPA for a day or something.  people in unions would never complain again. about anything.  ever.

 no wonder there is a support group of CPA's who are alcoholics.  serious.  this has been the worst year ever, and i am considering making it my last.  i don't care who knows this anymore.  i am tired. 

and i know this is transitory.  and pointless in the grand scheme of things.  and Monday was hard.  so hard.  i watched my mom's face as the doctor told her Dad's cancer was aggressive.   something that Dad knew and didn't tell us.  and i wanted to throw up...cry...scream...anything!!!...but I didn't.  I held it in, and drove her to McDonald's, and made her eat a fish sandwich, because she needed food. 

and then i held my dad's hand as he was waking up from anesthesia.  and i haven't held my dad's hand in years.  and it scared me.  i wanted to let go.  i love my dad, but holding his hand made me feel like he wouldn't be around much longer, and i didn't like that feeling. 

so i came home.  and hugged nathan and evan with all the power in my being so that they could know that Mommy loves them so much no matter what happens. 

and I confided my deepest secrets, worries, thoughts and prayers to my husband, and then fell asleep, feeling sick and tired. 

and today i came home, feeling wiped out once again, and i went tanning.  just to spend 10 minutes pretending to lay in the bright sun with the wind blowing and the pure silence seemed like such bliss to me!

it was.  i loved it.  never before have i appreciated tanning so much.  it is going to happen much more i think. 

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