On June 8th I got mad.
One of my friends who never jogs just stepped out her door (or so it seemed to me) and just ran like five miles. And then posted about how great she felt.
I am not like that. Everyone has unique abilities and qualities, but mine is not that. wish it were easier for me. but it is not.
it's. so. hard.
I have been told that 80% of exercise is mental. I agree. I think that is partially why I suck at it. I psyche myself out. I talk to myself in a negative way. I am working on this.
But, when you have learned to talk to yourself in a way for 30+ years, it's hard to unravel. I have a lot of moments like this...when the kids are crying, the kitchen is dirty, my mom is calling with bad news, I think: I can't handle this, I am not cut out for this, why is all this happening, how am I going to deal, why don't they stop fighting? LORD!
I am working on changing the narrative. One thought at a time. Maybe this will impact my running.
So that day I was mad, I decided I would run a 5K. Go away bad thoughts, I am doing this. Here we go!
I did it.
My legs felt like jello. I felt exhausted. I drank Powerade. I felt better. When I was finishing up the run and coming up to the house (Chris was installing a storm door) I wanted to raise my arms high above my head and do a big cheer...the theme song to Rocky was playing and the confetti was pouring down and my kids were cheering and I was TOTALLY AWESOME. for a second in my mind.
Then I took pictures. Jeffrey was THREE MONTHS OLD. time flies.
Evan and I making "Pa-sketti".
He really really liked helping me.
We have been dealing with the late three year old almost four year old attitude with Evan. It is not fun. He has learned bad habits and has a laid back personality which doesn't respond all the time to positive reinforcement. We went through something similar with Nathan, but if he came home and got scolded he would be so upset with himself that was the end of it. With Evan, we have to take more drastic measures. Tonight he lost his Sharky, which he adores, because he and two friends at school thought it would be fun to throw beads and then ignore the teachers request to stop. It doesn't sound like much, but I am afraid all his bad habits he picked up in the past year are going to take a long time to get rid of...I just want to come home and hear that my children were angels -- and I think part of the reason I think that's how kids should be is because that's how I was...and my sister. We NEVER did anything wrong. EVER. Like, I remember the two times I got into trouble in Elementary School, and they were both because of things I didn't even do. And yes, I am still bitter about them, because justice was not served. But, my boys are not like that. They push boundaries, they try things, they do things five seconds after I ask them not to...I am not sure why God gave me children like this, but He did, so its my job to mold them in fantastic adults. whew. what a job.
speaking of jobs, my job today SUCKED. Normally I don't buy into the "man" argument at work that lots of women fall victim to, but today? O.M.G. I was stuck in a room with 6 men -- two were very abrasive, one belittled my existence, two were kind, and one completely ignored me. I sat there wondering why I was there, and when I spoke, it was argued against even though they "saw my point". You can imagine how little I talked...yeah, it wasn't much. It was ANNOYING and the whole time I sat there and thought about how we could make it on one salary and be just fine and I was terribly jealous of all the stay at home Mommy's I know and how they are probably at the park, or putting their Littles down for naps, or wondering what to start for dinner. hmph. Stay at home Mommy's win the war. Let's face it. There isn't anything harder or suckier than working all day and then coming home to deal with all the crap and having little time to spend with your kids. The only reason there is a war is because deep down Stay At Home Mom's aren't sympathetic to all the stuff working Mom's do and put up with, and Working Mom's don't admit how much they wish they could be, and admire, Stay at home Mom's.