Sunday, September 18, 2016

Just like high school...

I couldn't sleep last night; I lay awake at midnight, staring up at the moon, my mind churning and analyzing the past few days, weeks, months.

Recently, a facebook group was started for my high school class.  Next year will be 20 years.  Yikes.  I am pretty sure I am now officially old.

Anyways, I was reading some of the comments on that page last night about planning for the reunion and a few people were acting ridiculous, and it reminded me of high school and junior high.  But besides that, looking at the names and pictures of all these people that used to treat you like crap, or worse, treat you like you didn't exist, or even worse, pretended to be your friend to your face but often forgot about you and talked about you behind your back.   *sigh*  It just reminds me of all those old, horrible feelings.

And work the last couple months has been hard, those same feelings resurfacing when your new team changes the room of a meeting, and doesn't bother to tell you.  When the people that sit right next to you either don't know how to say "good morning" or "hi", or better yet, just simply don't want to.  When you are moved to a team to help them fix their horrible image because you are viewed as a strong, competent person; and then you realize that there isn't much you can do, because you are working with people who simply do not want to change....

And then you come home at the end of a long day, a long week, to your beautiful family and home, only to be called by teachers to hear of your kids failings;  only to be reminded and told by friends and family of my personal failings (without asking for the advice); all while keeping my own mouth shut of all the things those around me should do, change, or how hurtful they have been to me.

I find myself going back into that place, into that feeling that was high school and junior high:  Why am I never good enough?  What is wrong with me?  It has taken me years to learn what I was feeling had a name, a definition:  shame.   I always thought to have shame, you had to do something wrong to earn it.  But now I know that shame is the feeling that there is something inexplicably wrong with yourself, having done nothing to cause it at all.  It's internalization of how when people treat you poorly, you blame yourself.  

As Nathan starts to be teased in school, I start to worry he will grow up wondering the same things I did, and occasionally still do when I forget God loves me, that he will lay awake at night wondering, "why can't I get it all right?"

Grace.   It's there, always there, always He is waiting with it there.  He says "take it!  take it!" and the voice inside me says "you don't deserve it.  Not you!  No no no!   You haven't finished the laundry yet...FAIL"

I lay awake looking at the stars and have no answer, and as I wait for one, the voice that simply cannot stay silent in my head rambles on and on and on.... The moon stays there though; calm, shining bright in the darkness, and I think of how much I love it, and how long it took me to notice, appreciate, and love it.  If the moon can patiently wait for me, I decide, then I will have to continue to patiently wait for others....

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